Love This Pain
by Kaya Scott
Summary: Barney Stinson has a good life. He finally has everything he's always secretly wanted: real friends, family, and a beautiful woman to spend the rest of his life with. But if he's so happy, why does he sneak out of bed some nights? And why can't he forget a pair of warm, brown eyes that once meant so much to him?


Barney nursed his scotch as he stared unseeingly out the window at MacLaren's. He had a good life. A better life than he'd ever thought he would have. A better life than he had ever dared to let himself hope for.

He had good friends. Real friends at that. The friendships he shared with Lily, Marshall, and Robin were real. They were solid. He'd wormed his way into the group by latching onto Ted, but now they were people he truly cared about. He'd spent years cultivating these relationships, making sure that they were strong, that they wouldn't crumble at the first sign of trouble. And all of his work had paid off because he couldn't imagine having better friends.

He had a niece and nephew that he adored and loved spending (limited) time with. It wasn't that he didn't love Eli and Sadie, it was just that small children made him nervous so after a few hours he was ready to hand them off to James and Tom.

To top it all off, Barney was engaged to a great, cool, crazy beautiful woman. He and Robin were happy, but their happiness had come at a heavy price: Ted's friendship.

After the dust from Barney and Robin's one night stand had settled, Ted and Barney's friendship had gotten back on track and the dynamic of their group had gone back to normal. Until a year later, when Robin and Barney started dating. Ted had assured them he was fine with it and at first he had been, but the longer Barney and Robin's relationship went on, the more Ted withdrew.

Eventually, Ted had phased himself out of the group. He still had regular contact with Marshall and Lily and he spoke to Robin when they ran into each other, but Ted and Barney hadn't seen or spoken to each other in two and a half years.

The absence of his best friend left an ache in Barney's heart, one that he knew would never go away, but he would never admit it to anyone. He couldn't. Because then there were other things he would have to admit. Things that were better left unsaid. Things that were better left remembered in the darkest hours of the night when he missed his bro, his wingman, his Ted, the most, and the ache of that loss was so sharp and so bright that Barney almost couldn't breathe.

With Robin next to him, warm and soft, asleep and blissfully unaware of the thoughts and memories haunting her fiancé, Barney sometimes felt like everything was closing in on him. Like he couldn't breathe and he had to get out. Out of he and Robin's bed, their room, their apartment.

Those were the nights that he would make his way to MacLaren's and sit by the window, slowly nursing a scotch until it was more water than liquor. Until he was the last one in the bar. Until Carl made him leave as the sky started lightening from black to blue. Then he trudged up the steps and slowly ambled home, taking his time as memories of Ted played in his mind. Some nights he would stay out until he could just the see the sun peeking over the horizon.

Those nights were the worst because that was when the doubts started creeping in. Did he make the right choice? Will he regret marrying Robin one day? Will he resent her five years down the road? Those are the nights when he has to force himself to climb back into bed and curl around Robin like he's been there all night. Like nothing's wrong and he's perfectly happy and content with the way his life is going.

But those are also the mornings when Robin seems to sense that something's not quite right. That Barney's had a bad night and so she lingers in bed. Touching, soothing, stroking until his doubts fade and Robin becomes his focus. Like she should be. Like she should _always_ be. Those are the mornings that he sees his reality, long, dark hair and dark, sparkling blue eyes. The woman he loves. The woman he's marrying. The woman he's spending the rest of his life with.

Those are the mornings that he almost, almost forgets what he lost. Short, spiky, brown hair and warm brown eyes. The same eyes that in the end were haunted with betrayal and disappointment, but still somehow shone with love and caring. The man he loves. The man he lost. The man he could have spent the rest of his life with.

Barney sighed, tearing himself away from his thoughts as someone eased his glass from his hand. He looked up, a tiny smile curving his lips as Robin sat down across from him. "Hey, how long have you been here?"

Robin returned her fiancee's smile as she pressed a fresh scotch into his hand. "Just got here. Where were you?"

Barney shrugged as he took a long swallow his new drink. "Here. Waiting for you."

"You looked like you were a million miles away. What were you thinking about?"

Barney's smile was bigger, brighter, as he took Robin's left hand with his right, feeling her engagement ring under his fingers as he pressed a kiss to her palm. "Nothing important. Work stuff. Wedding stuff." He took another drink as he squeezed her hand, feeling her ring press into his fingers and keep him in the moment. "Are you hungry or do you want to play a couple games of pool first?"

"I'm starving," Robin replied, taking a drink of her own scotch.

Barney smiled a little easier, a little more real, this time and lifted her hand to his cheek, nuzzling it briefly. "Me, too." It was easier in these moments. Easier to forget that he didn't love Robin as much as he should. As much as she deserved. Easier to forget that their relationship wasn't quite right. Easier to forget the pain that was always with him and pretend that Robin was the only one he loved.


End file.
